


Real Time Reflections.

by MontaukMonster



Category: Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Depression, Dungeons & Dragons References, Elementary School, Friendship, High School, Kinks, LGBTQ Themes, Middle School, Mother-Daughter Relationship, My Little Pony References, Other, Past Abuse, Physiology, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-07 01:14:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20301022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MontaukMonster/pseuds/MontaukMonster
Summary: A little safe haven to get out all my feelings. I don't want it to be watered down by being on here. Or for people to worry. I guess people get a kick out of things that sound poetic and relatable. I don't want it to blow up and have it be all people talk about. I'd be mortified. Don't worry or sympathize for me. Caring is one thing. But I don't want it to get so bad to the point where I want to crawl into a hole and die. I'm just..typing thoughts and rants out. If it gets too much publicity and people get annoying, I'll just..trash it. Maybe I made a mistake and should have thought of it before coming here and posting this, but this is all real. It's more so a personal thing as you can tell. Have....A Punchtastic Day I guess?





	1. Integral Inlaws.

**Author's Note:**

> ._. _._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._ ._.  
._. _.Nicknames for fun, future references, and safety._ ._. => !!!Questions allowed!!! <=  
._. ._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._. ._.  
CrumbCaster/CC-Maybe it's too cutesy, but my mom is definitely an MLP character.  
Blitz-Making my dad an anthropomorphic firecracker is a joke within a joke. It gives me the chuckle.  
Letni- My brother's name was previously facing forwards.  
Nixon- The name for one of my best friend's green furred wolf fursona!  
Moon- Another animal loving friend from school.  
Voiyance- My prodigy cousin.  
Lore-My aunt.  
Al- And, her husband, my uncle.  
Nyin-My oldest cousin.  
Slash- God, I don't know why I'm still hung up over this guy.  
Luna Rose- The main reason I'm a pegasister.  
Pellmell- Indesirable turned worthwhile.  
Smoothie- A fucking cute ass baby.  
Milkshake-Daydreaming book fanatic.  
SeaSalt- Most huggable uncle. Sweeter than frosting.  
Pine-Firefighting uncle! Or..post fighting. Gruff but actually soft as a cloud.  
Grits-It went from sand to grit because sand, annnd now a crap cereal that makes me throw up just imaging the taste. Perfectly suited my ex aunt.  
Marmalade-My 99 year old Grandma, soon to be drawn as a pretty skeleton pig.  
Cardamom-And her loving stingray veteran husband, a grandpa I wish had been around longer.  
Dialor-My secretly favorite aunt who likes to sing along to Hamilton with me.  
Buttermilk- The perfect name for a grandma who used to live on a farm with the sweet smell of hay and plenty of kittens.

Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X12UVbnOLtg&list=PLbRK7IGxjCok3yaOtZ72aC9UmWMQcW8rG&index=97

How long has this been going on? Seriously..How long? I react to interacting with my family tree like oil and water. It shouldn't be that way. At least I think. All signs point to: "But they're family!": "You'll hurt their feelings!"; "You have to stick together!" . 

It wasn't so bad when I was little. 

My aunt works at a local nature center and I used to go every summer. Just like at school, when my mom helped out during birthdays or events, I thought it was the best. Like I was the cool kid! I loved it when she was the teacher for my class. I still remember when there was this really bratty crybaby kid..and he was screaming and sobbing, right in my ear as we sat together. Yeah..I could have done without that. But on the last year, even though I had gone to the same camp over and over, I made a boat to race like always. But I had got the brilliant idea the night before to bring b u b b l e w r a p. I meticulously crafted it with duck tape on the sides and underneath and it worked like a charm. I still have the rainbow mole mask I made. 

Don't ask. 

My aunt is on my mom's side and her entire family is one of envy. Kinda. More on that later. Anyhow, my aunt was one of the people I..erm..u s e d to look up to. She didn't do anything wrong, I guess things just change. But for a while, no one could top that idol level other than Voiyance. 

They were practically an all A student, and had been into instruments for a long time, eventually joined Marching Band. When I was in 5th grade, towards the end of the year we got to test out instruments for middle school, and the first thing I gravitated towards was the flute. I wanted to be like her so bad! No matter how hard I tried I just found myself winded and dizzy from trying to blow into it the right way. Maybe he was right or just pissed I couldn't follow instructions, but of the men that had brought the stuff in, the guy at the flute section said I just wasn't cut out for it. I'm guessing he did it for the second reason, and I don't blame him. Looking back, I'm guessing Voiyance strived to do all this because of Nyin. 

Nyin was the oldest of Al and Lore's children but he was severely handicapped with epilepsy. You..can probably envision why that drove Voiyance to aim so high. She wanted to receive recognition. They all loved Nyin and still do, but it was tough back then because Voiyance still was trying to grapple why things were the way they were, and how they could break the little bubble their parents shared with Nyin. I'm STILL trying to figure out where I stand with Nyin. I know that I still feel bad about one family get together. From when I was like..EIGHT BUT STILL. We were all sitting down and he had a really bad seizure. I didn't know what to do, and was really freaked out so I ran in my room for a little while. Looking back, I really just feel ashamed because it must have made them feel awful. And sometimes when he's over or we're at their house he'll get curious. He'll just be checking you out and he'll lean in and tilt his head all up in your face. It's not being mean it's just.. I wouldn't like that no matter who did it. Again, I keep telling myself he can't help it. He..probably isn't even aware. Mom and I always get sad because he can't even throw a ball and well... I mean like, every boy/guy should be able to have fun doing that with someone. It's just..simple things we think about from time to time that we wish he could experience. But the situations I DO like are the times when his eyes light up, because he knows you understand certain things. He likes to watch this old windows game called Freddie Fish, and usually repeats the name even when he's already watching the show. Just found out it meant he wanted to start the episode over. He can even tell if it's the wrong one. I think being truly, actually heard means a lot to him. 

Ever since Voiyance moved to college, she's kept her distance a bit from Nyin. It's partially because he got used to being the only kid at the house and got jealous? Then it escalated and he tried to attack her. Or so Al and Lore say. Probably just..trying to hit her and stuff. I think also she wants to be known as her own person. To not just be "Voiyance who has a disabled brother". Plain old Voiyance. 

I had a pretty high up there opinion of everybody, but last Easter, that little benefit was tarnished. 

I mean..It was really bad. 

All of my mom's side of the family had gone to Voiyance, Nyin, Al, and Lore's house for dinner and desert after the Easter Mass. The main things that stuck out like a sore thumb was that Lore and Al were like two stubborn mountain goats, and..Jesus, Voiyance was really snarky to her mom, to the point where Marmalade, who was REALLY HARD OF HEARING pointed it out. I mean..normal family stuff right? It gets crazy for everyone. The whole entire time though, everyone kept making comments and talking behind Marma's back about how she should get hearing aids and that it was such a nuisance to talk louder for her. She was only half catching on but it still made her feel down. So I bit my lip and..gently and calmly showed her some deer and ducks. I think she really liked that small window of one on one time. Even if I got criticized for "looking at boring, unimportant animals for no reason". 

I don't know if it'll get better or worse here on out. Besides Pine and SeaSalt, it just seems like everything's uptight over there and awkward. And next to IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP A CONVERSATION GOING MY GOD- 

I think a lot of it is caused by Nyin, who maybe is also to thank for Lore being so wishy washy and kinda.like Eeyore at times. It's just the stress of it all. On one hand, you sympathize, but on the other hand..can't they persevere through that? It's not his fault, really. Maybe things will get better, as Al and Lore are looking to put him into a home. That also invites the new issue of worry and fear for their son though, and guilt of leaving him there. They might even think they're abandoning him. However, it's still just a really frustrating and anxiety inducing battle of logic and morals each time we meet for ANYTHING. And it just seems like I can't maintain a close relationship with them as much as I want to. It's exhausting to keep up and makes me wonder more and more what the outcome will actually be. Because if it stays as is, I may have to do the hard thing and just..ghost them. And there's a whole lot wrong with that. It'll look rude, I'll need to explain, and it'll raise tension. And with tension comes words and accusations thrust upon me based on people being emotional and not thinking. And instead thinking I hate them, or have a bias or something. I don't want to be like Al's mom, who did that when it came to anything having to do with helping Nyin, her own grandson. 

No matter what though, one thing I can't say no to is helping out Lore tomorrow. It rained really hard last week, and the whole neighborhood is on a decline so everyone's basement flooded, and every Tom, Dick, and Jerry who knows anything about that and has a job in that field is over there helping. I will get paid 7 dollars an hour, so Yay, I guess? My mom volunteered me and Lore instantly jumped on the bandwagon. 

Four whole hours. 

I'm helping though. I have to. I'm family. It's my obligation. It was a flood. And I don't want to be a spoiled brat or complain so I'll shut up and work. It'll mostly be by myself though, so who can say no to that? 8/19/19_._._._._._._._._._._._. Something is wrong with Pine and his family. Marma is upset and hurt, and I think it has something to do with Pine's wife, or his health. He's been really frail lately. Not in weight, but he's got sensitive bones it seems. He's had so many hip replacements, and broken his hips so much. CrumbCaster is taking with SeaSalt. I see the chat but I don't click it. That'd be rude. But still. All I know is Pine's wife lied about something. For good or bad reasons. I'll be told when I'm ready. I think. It's what I was told after all. It's probably got no intent to it. I'm worried. Everyone is okay, but..I'm still concerned. 

On a better note, I think Nyin deserves a full blown character for him. Just..the possibility of what might have been is maybe wrong to contemplate and be ungrateful over. It'll be bittersweet..but there's a lot I could do with this. It could be good. At the same time, it'll be hard to figure his persona out. He has black hair. That's it. That. Is. All. I. Have. To work with. But he likes fish. And pizza. So we have a start.


	2. Keep Light On A Little Longer, Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A vent wrapped in a bittersweet encounter, recapping the past few months and the entire summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ._. _._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._ ._.  
._. _.Nicknames for fun, future references, and safety._ ._. => !!!Questions allowed!!! <=  
._. ._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._. ._.  
CrumbCaster/CC-Maybe it's too cutesy, but my mom is definitely an MLP character.  
Blitz-Making my dad an anthropomorphic firecracker is a joke within a joke. It gives me the chuckle.  
Letni- My brother's name was previously facing forwards.  
Nixon- The name for one of my best friend's green furred wolf fursona!  
Moon- Another animal loving friend from school.  
Voiyance- My prodigy cousin.  
Lore-My aunt.  
Al- And, her husband, my uncle.  
Nyin-My oldest cousin.  
Slash- God, I don't know why I'm still hung up over this guy.  
Luna Rose- The main reason I'm a pegasister.  
Pellmell- Indesirable turned worthwhile.  
Smoothie- A fucking cute ass baby.  
Milkshake-Daydreaming book fanatic.  
SeaSalt- Most huggable uncle. Sweeter than frosting.  
Pine-Firefighting uncle! Or..post fighting. Gruff but actually soft as a cloud.  
Grits-It went from sand to grit because sand, annnd now a crap cereal that makes me throw up just imaging the taste. Perfectly suited my ex aunt.  
Marmalade-My 99 year old Grandma, soon to be drawn as a pretty skeleton pig.  
Cardamom-And her loving stingray veteran husband, a grandpa I wish had been around longer.  
Dialor-My secretly favorite aunt who likes to sing along to Hamilton with me.  
Buttermilk- The perfect name for a grandma who used to live on a farm with the sweet smell of hay and plenty of kittens.   
NEW!< Inkymurr-Probably the only friend that's stayed with me from elementary.

Today is registration day. New year. New teachers. New picture. I'm nervous. I shouldn't be. But I'm in line and I feel a growing knot of unease and... 

I'm nervous. 

But it'll be fine. For a little while, though I wish it would take as long as a sun exploding to be seen from our sky; Inkymurr and her mom will be there. Inky. To talk to and laugh with. Inky as in Inky from when I was little. Before Lunarose moving. And the court sessions that dictated the move and the original group parting ways out of atheism and fighting and being teenagers and moving on without me and- 

She's really tall. 

She's tall and it's still surprising. She's one of my best and oldest friends, but still. She's cute, with her curly hair and freckles and eyes. But I'll never say. She knows I'm like that now and she's okay with it. I'd give anything for that over Blitz's rants when I say I like all kinds of people. We go off and it's just us. We must go in circles at least, a dozen times. We never go inside the shops. I hope she didn't mind that. I don't think so. We talk for a while and I tell her about the phone. This'll open a door of explanation, and I'll have to say something. I'm worried for that, but it's Inky of all people. 

Then I tell her about the dolls. 

The Christmas present that wasn't so very nice after all with whatever was hiding in them and turning more and more of my room into a frat party for the creatures I let in thanks to my own stupidity. The last time I hung out with her flashes in my mind. She was able to somehow perfectly describe them and their dresses, without having seen them. It's always been like this. I tell her that they were sold, and we relish, me once more; that the dolls and their..attachments..Are gone. Sold. With the back and forth of my mom guilt tripping me and me turning into more of a scared five year old in my family's mind, because they think it's in my head. Why not join in with them? Have a nice laugh? ha. (ahAHAHA- nomatterwhatitis...) it makes being at this house hell sometimes. I've turned this place into a hotspot. I tell her about the demon. She never explained it's purpose, but again, was able to understand immediately. Now we're off to a restaurant and we talk more and gush about Markiplier. I can barely eat. My stomach's practically stabbing itself, so I munch on some fries and take 3 bites only. She tells me something I've never heard before. Why she and another older friend stopped seeing eachother. It was DEFINETLEY more than atheism over her Christian family. We were watching Inside Out. Okay, correction; THEY were watching it. I was asleep. When it went down. Inky got strangled all from the fact that the other girl got on the topic of religion again and got mad. 

And I, of all things to do, slept through it. 

And we're off again, going to see a movie. This is the longest we've hung out together.. It feels..really nice. It's nice to feel something besides anguish. It's nice to be with at least ONE friend in the course of summer vacation. It's better than I thought. We missed the latest Lion King that was at one, and so we watch a movie about a racer named Denny, and his family and most importantly Enzo. There's cancer and puppies and court cases, and evil zebras. Before the movie, my mom and Inky's mom walk out and it's just us. No one's come yet. And it finally happens. She turns to me asking the question of all questions and I finally explain. I tell her about Ender. About the stories and the accounts. Everything that got us in trouble. About how I've been a mess. I don't know why I keep trying to stay in contact with him and my online friends. How he's everything to me. I don't know if we'll ever talk. I 'm going to keep trying. I'll make all these notes for him. He WILL see it. For the love of God, please. He has to. 

Then the outing comes to a close. We both can't stay any longer. I promise I'll look out for one of her old friends over and my school. I want to stay longer so bad, because I realize as I walk to the car that I don't want to go. Not yet. Please. I want to stay and talk, even about the scary stuff. I want to stay in this happy state, even if it's not real. Maybe if I wish for it to be, then I can talk and laugh with her forever. But my feet won't stop. The further I walk, the closer I realize I'm getting, to a new school year. To the self loathing and hate and the want to rip myself to shreds again flying up to eat me. To the thought of running away. To feeling worthless over my sexual desires and wants. To being unsure if being me will have me dammed to Hell. To the possibility that the grades and the entire year will be the same because I was so sure, SO SURE- 

and now I have no idea if I have the strength to even make it to college. 

Please. 

I'm not ready.


	3. Bone: A Comic by Jeff Smith.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't stop obsessing over something I thought I was over and done with so let me drag you into the only thing that's keeping me together. My son, but also Smiley's son, Bartbley.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear god ill shove quiche up your gooseflesh buttchecks unless you love mboy


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